We appear to have the largest wedding party on the planet spread over two continents. I can’t put my finger on when it got so massive but I am walking down that aisle with an entourage baby!
While
BF and I kept on thinking of people to Usher us (he stands now at
five in his party along with a Master of Ceremonies - my brother), I went on
the slightly more careful route of picking my maids.
Firstly
my niece, five years old and precocious, made it very clear that was going to
be a bridesmaid by asking me six months into my relationship with BF if she had
the job. Fait accompli - touché Holly. BF’s eighteen year old niece Jaz was
also a must and thank god said yes. So far - one niece apiece.
My
two best friends from school, J and C were definites – I have known them since
we were thirteen and since I did a speech at both of their weddings in place of
the Father of the Bride they were going to do a bloody speech at mine like it
or not. J is the mum of two little lads, both under four, up in N Yorkshire. As
her eldest has grown up calling me Auntie, it seemed natural to have him as
Page Boy 1. C currently lives in San Francisco. BF and I met at her wedding, so
both of us wanted her in the bridal party without question. So we’re already at
four bridesmaids and one Page Boy.
BF
and I have two little nephews around the age two/three mark and wanted to
include them both. Four Bridesmaids, Four Ushers, three page boys and one Best
Man.
My
cousin R and I have six weeks in age difference between us and, along with her
sister E, the three of us have grown up very close. Not to mention both E and I
were bridesmaids for R’s wedding a few years ago. I wouldn't have done it without them behind me.
Add
the dads and we have 17 people involved in the Official Bridal Party not
including ourselves. I always swore I would only have three bridesmaids but now
am very happy with six. And I don’t quite know how that happened - I think it always snowballs.
This
got me thinking about the role of the Bridesmaid and what she is supposed to
represent nowadays to both the bride and groom and also the wedding guests. So
I had a little look to see what I could find…
Where
did she come from and why is she there?
Traditionally
the bridesmaid is thought to have come from Roman Law (c. 449BC) which
necessitated 10 witnesses at a wedding to outsmart those pesky nasty spirits
which the Romans (usually pretty ‘with it’ on the practicalities like
sanitation, personal cleanliness and legal practises but apparently ignorant
when it came to common sense) thought loved hanging around weddings.
Apparently
ill-wishers STILL hung around weddings in Victorian times to curse the bride or
groom. The Bride’s veil is worn to ward off and confuse evil spirits. The
Groomsmen are there to fight off rivals for the groom (and let’s face it,
possibly more evil spirits too).
This makes sense when you think of all the
brides who must have been abducted by dastardly rivals to steal fortunes and force alliances in the misty
past. ‘Bridenapping’ continues to happen nowadays in areas such as the Caucasus
Region, Central Asia, Mexico and Romani, is considered to be a form of sex
crime and although illegal in most of these areas, punishment is poorly enforced.
Have a look at the controversial documentary, ‘Bride Kidnapping in
Kyrgyzstan’ by Petr Lom -1995, where real kidnappings were filmed by the crew.
Sherlock
Holmes witnesses a form a Bridenapping in ‘The Adventure of the Solitary
Cyclist’ (Arthur Conan Doyle). In ‘Camilla’ (Frances Burney) poor Eugenia is
carried off by the nasty Alphonso Bellamy. “You’re my wife now, Dave” – yes, even Papa Lazarou in ‘The League of
Gentlemen’ is guilty of the crime. God help me if anyone decides to make off
with me… Anyway, the bridesmaids would dress like the bride in white to confuse
their abductors.
 |
| Princess Diana's Wedding |
And apparently the Devil. Look
at Princess Diana – the cold-hearted woman used 5 little look-alikes at her
wedding to confuse Satan. Who would have thought it of her….
Thinking
about it, Brides often go hand in hand with curses.
Giselle (or ‘Dead Girl Dancing’ as I dubbed her
after watching it as an usher at ROH for the 95th
time) is a scorned bride and turns into a Wili (a spirit of young women jilted
before their wedding day) where she haunts the woods making men dance to death
when she and her sisters find them.
The
Welsh myth of the ‘Marriage at Nant Gwrtheryn’ (Welsh Legends
and Folk-tales, Dyfed Lloyd-Evans) tells of the ill-fated love of cousins Rhys and
Meinir. When poor Meinir goes to do the traditional ‘bride hide’ up in the
hills and disappears, her body is found weeks later by Rhys hidden in the old
oak tree where they used to tryst as children. Legend has it they still wander
around the hills and a bird will never land on the oak tree. Those evil spirits
to blame again I wager…
Chinese
weddings were known as ‘Red Affairs’ in comparison to ‘White Affairs’ of death,
with red symbolising the burgeoning sexuality of the bride and the joyfulness
of what is to come. But she spends 3 days before her wedding lamenting keenly
as though she will soon leave for hell and demons are plaguing her*.
Even
Tim Burton got into the act with his animated film ‘The Corpse Bride (2005) about a woman scorned by her loved before her
wedding day and forced to hunt for a suitable groom in death to release her
from her curse.
Anyway, curses aside, bridesmaids would wear ‘girlish’ colours, if not white, and traditionally their best dress (only the rich would have had specially made bridesmaid dresses for their maids) and, being unmarried, would have worn fresh flowers or pearls.
Don’t forget, brides only started wearing white after Queen Victoria married Albert in 1840 – before that they wore their nicest dress or something made with silver thread.
A
bit of literature
I
had a think about the way bridesmaids are represented in three of my favourite
classic novels as to whether they might help me see if bridesmaid’s roles have
significantly changed over the past 300 years here in Blighty.
Jane
Bennet comments in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ (Jane Austen) that “Kitty will be
disappointed not to be a bridesmaid”,
which suggests to me that, like today, your sister was a likely candidate in
the 1800’s for your bridesmaid, even for such an improvident marriage as
Lydia’s.
In
‘Brideshead Revisited’ (Evelyn Waugh) when Julia marries Rex her sister
Cordelia refuses to be a bridesmaid because the Protestant wedding ceremony
offends her Catholic sensibilities; a notable snub from the bride’s sister and
one which contributes to the “hole in the wall” marriage Julia enters into.
Margaret
Hale considers her cousin Edith’s lengthy and lavish preparations for her
wedding day (complete with many bridesmaids) in ‘North and South’ (Elizabeth
Gaskell) and asks “are all these quite necessary troubles”.
 |
| Victorian Bridesmaids |
Her opinions on the wedding are expressed when she
recalls “rather sadly, remembering the never-ending commotion about trifles
that had been going on for more than a month past”. These are un-fashionable (and I think Gaskell
wished them to seem unusual) considerations for a single, young woman of her
age. Margaret Hale might even (on superficial consideration) be thought to be
unusual by today’s ‘typical’ modern bride. Edith’s wedding was the norm for the
period for the well off middle and upper classes– not unlike the weddings of
today with lashings of bridesmaids and celebration and plenty of debt to
follow. Margaret on the other hand would rather get up one morning and walk to
her local church to be married with no fuss.
Nothing
has really changed then. Even in the 1800’s women still had lots of bridesmaids
and spent a fortune on their wedding day.
Traditions
Here
are a few ridiculous traditions I found about Bridesmaids:
1) Traditionally only bridesmaids were
allowed to try and
catch the bouquet. She’d be the next one to get married. A bit of a fix if you
only have one bridesmaid and she’s single….
2) Woe betide the bridesmaid who stumbled on her way up
to the alter or be made an attendant three times. She would never marry or find
true love. Apparently bridesmaids were so concerned by this in ye olden days
(probably pre 1960 then) that they would practise the walk before the big day
and turn down that third request….just in case.
3) In Brittany if a young girl obtained all of the pins
from the Bride’s dress (I am not sure why the bride is walking around with pins
still in her dress) she would have a good marriage, many children and a kind
husband. If a bride was pricked by a pin, it was a bad omen. And most likely
annoying for the bride.
4) However if she finds a spider in her dress it’s good
times ahead!
5) Traditionally a bridesmaid would wear light blue,
yellow or pink. I am making the gross assumption after too many Georgette Heyer
novels that these would be traditional debutante colours (pastels or white) as
your bridesmaids would always be unmarried women.
6) If you’re unmarried and you stick a piece of wedding
cake under your pillow the night of your friend’s wedding you’ll dream of your
future husband. Hint - wrap it in
cling film first. I did it at Jo’s and dreamed of Ben Barnes so that proves
that doesn’t work.
7) Chimney Sweeps are good luck and it used to be the
Bridemaid’s role to find one! Ok, I made that last bit up but they were
considered good luck at a wedding. George III was allegedly saved by one when
his horse was bitten by a dog on the way to his wedding. So you never know what
disasters could be avoided by having one around on your big day…
How
the other half does it
Ok, so that's how we did it in the UK. How about the rest of the world?
 |
| An Indian Wedding |
In India the fashion is currently to have a lot of
bridesmaids, although this is a newish idea and historically bridesmaids were
not a part of Indian weddings. However there are a lot of ceremonies involved
with the Bride, her sisters and close friends and her female relatives before
the wedding and this has naturally led to a melding of East and Western
traditions.
 |
| An Indian Wedding in the UK |
When
I was a bridesmaid with C for J’s second wedding (she had two, but to the
same man-the first was a white wedding and the second a traditional Sikh
wedding so both families were happy), we took part in the Choora ceremony,
washing the Choorae (her 21 red bangles to you and me) in milk before we put
them on her, as if we were her sisters.
 |
| A Muslim Wedding |
We also got to barter with J’s hubby
for her during the ribbon cutting when he came to ‘take her away’. We made £200
and a limbo dance. Not bad going and a tradition I rather liked. Apparently we
could also have hidden his shoes and then charged him for them. Drat….
Muslim
weddings also do not involve clearly delineated roles for Bridesmaids. However,
like Hindu, Sikh and traditional Chinese ceremonies (see below) they are not
just made up of one day like a Christian or Secular ceremony in the UK or USA
and bridesmaids (and groomsmen) have gradually been introduced to give roles to
family and friends who support the bride or groom through their many duties.
 |
| Papercutting of a Traditional Chinese Wedding |
In
China due to the single child law with families opting for a boy over a girl,
now women can pick and choose a wealthy and successful man and thus enjoy a
more expensive wedding (Radio 4 did an amazing programme on Crossing Continents
about this – see here).
Bridesmaids
are not a new part of traditional Chinese weddings and, like Indian weddings,
are made up of many small ceremonies over several days.
Attendants are
therefore there to help out and to keep the bride and groom going (literally)
until the wedding is over. When the groom arrives to the bride’s house, the
bridesmaids can ask him to fulfil some tasks which prove his worth as a groom.
These range from chopping wood to eating chilli peppers.
More
and more brides however are now opting for a western white wedding with
bridesmaids in western style dresses.
The
Roles
In
the UK we have a Chief Bridesmaid, Maid or Matron of Honour who is usually
there because nothing ever got decided by committee quickly and let’s face it,
someone has to be in charge.
In America, this is apparently a great honour and
means you get to organise the hen do or ‘Bachelorette Shower’. I don’t know why
this is a good thing as organising Hen Do’s is up there with organising a
wedding for raising your stress levels, but it apparently is a status thing.
You also have to do a speech. I have two Best Women and they also have to do a
speech. Mwa ha ha.
Underneath
her come the Bridesmaid/s who are traditionally meant to look after the bride
on her wedding day, make sure her hair is ok (or something), carry her lipstick
(or something) and make sure her train looks nice in photos then get pissed and
get off with an usher at the party (way hay BF! That was us!).
Bridesmaids
should be there until after the meal when you might need a hand to wee in the
dress at one point, but after the first dance you are basically your husband’s
problem now.
They give up their time, wear a dress they would never usually
wear in a million years and will never wear again (trust me), spend a lot of
money on things like willy head bangers for the hen do and extra drinks money
for people they barely know and take holiday from work, all for their friend
getting married and are often treated like a servant by some brides.
So really,
these girls who are sometimes dismissed as just ‘the bridesmaids’ are amazing. One
of my friends told me how she was actually called ‘servant’ by one bride all
day when she was a bridesmaid and kept smiling. That’s dedication.
Apparently
in the States they are expected to pay for everything and sometimes even the
dress (say, what?!) but frankly, you ask ‘em, you bloody well pay for them you tight
wad! Don’t have 7 bridesmaids if you can’t pay for them.
Lastly
you have the Flower Girl who looks cute and inevitably runs around on the dance
floor tripping drunk people over, and the page boys who look sweet at first and
then turn sulky, hopefully pose for one picture and then run off somewhere and
wind up in the photos half-dressed crying because they can’t have more cake.
I
think I have that down right?
But
who really cares what the bridesmaid does (frankly even if they are sitting at
a table with an usher’s hand up their skirt or vomiting into a bush with their
pants showing at 11pm) except the Bride and maybe her mum? The depressing fact
is that the only thing a guest, and more importantly the photographer, takes
away from the wedding is what they look like.
I
am not going to even attempt to tell you how to dress your bridesmaids. Firstly
I am not a fashionable person, I dress like a cross between a preppy East
Coaster and a mumsy blind woman. Secondly, I have quite unusual taste and
thirdly I am very opinionated about things which were fashionable 30 years ago
and which now are horrific to most people with an ounce of fashion knowledge.
But I have had a go at trying to put some ideas into some kind of order
according to what the media and the internet are saying you can do.
So
here are a few things you can do with your bridesmaids if you really love them
(or hate them) to help create a lasting impression.
The Short Dress
First things first they usually don’t come
out much cheaper than a long one.
Dessy for
example, will only charge about £20 extra for their long dresses than their
short ones. However, they can be better if you don’t want to have the formal
look of a long dress and you can pick them up on the high street (think Coast, Reiss,
Asos and Modcloth)
far more easily than you can longer styles, if you’re savvy in the sales. Lots
of women prefer them to long gowns and they do differentiate between the bride
and her maids.
The photography here is perfect and i think this is a lovely overall way to do things with short dresses. My
problem them manifold however and mainly due to
practicality.
- Those dresses look like something a small child might
wear –do I really want to be dressing them in something they wore when they
were 3?
- Their feet look in pain. So much pain. All day in those shoes. Owwwwww…..
- As a 6 footer, when faced with a short dress the overriding question has always been, wear the heels and look massive or don’t wear the heels and face having chunky legs with your dress 6 inches shorter than everyone else as your legs are longer? Let’s face it, that dress is going to look better on a woman of 5 foot 4 than me.
- What if you’re not a skinny minny? Yes, weight is all subjective etc, but what suits Column A may not suit Column B and why should it? My legs are dreadful (in my opinion) so an above the knee dress is my idea of hell, while other people’s hell is a strapless gown.
- Is it me or do they look freezing?
- Is that child on the left being eaten by frills and is that why she is cowering in fear??I
OK,
so maybe the matching short dresses aren’t for me. What about going for all
Long Dresses?
Long
Dresses
Yeah
ok, so it might be boring but it’s a fail safe? See the picture here. Unless
you go for one very dark colour with a lot of people.
 |
| And I thought I had too many bridesmaids.... |
Also
you run the risk of making your wedding look like a mix between a beauty
pageant and a revue.
Saying that, all of these girls look pretty confident so
something is right here…
Different
styled AND/OR coloured dresses
So
you have loads of shapes and sizes? Blondes and brunettes? Don’t have time to
shop around to find a dress that suits EVERYONE? So mix and match
I don’t know what is going on here colour wise, I
am so confused. The bridesmaid on
the right of the bride isn’t happy, the one next to her is about to cry and the
bride looks like she’s pulled off the best revenge stunt on her best friends on
the planet.
It does however mean that everyone wears something that they like and something that they feel comfortable in. If you want to go bra-less, you can! If you have cracking legs and aren’t 8 foot tall you can feel confident in getting them out!
This look is really pretty, especially for a youthful bridal party. I guess if you go different colours, do it subtly.
My friend Alex did a similar
thing with her maids at her wedding and it looked lovely. She is a stylist so
she had the edge, but it can be attempted by us mortals too.
In fact, if you
want to look at a stunning wedding (her own) check out her amazing blog The Frugality
– you can also get some excellent fashion advice. She also runs her own company
with her husband Chris called Lucky No. 13 doing amazing music videos for weddings and events as well by the way….
Anyway.
Something a bit unusual
I
wouldn’t go for this exact thing but this is awesome! Someone has a sense of
fun here.
If you want to create something really fun and stylish then go for a
1950’s look or just go mad on your maids. No, it’s not fashionable (apparently
pastels are in at the moment) but it’s unforgettable and those girls might just
wear that dress again.
I’m ordering my dress for our
Sunday do from Honeypie Boutique.
If you were after some 1950’s dresses from £50 - £150 try them. They are very
pretty.
EVERY COLOUR IN THE
RAINBOW!
Just, no. Don’t do it.
Go Kate – all white bridesmaids
See,
Kate Middleton has the right idea! Look, the evil spirits will be confused AND
she managed an undeniably faultless colour scheme.
Although I
maintain that having a bridesmaid whose bottom in a bridal looking white dress
caused more of a wow factor than the bride was a mistake. She should have put
Pippa in a colour.
But what do I know.
What
I love
Speaking
to the girls, most of them didn’t have many stipulations about their dresses.
Three of them have been married and know what it’s like, two of them are very
laid back and Holly just wants to look like a princess. I have been asked to
provide a long gown by M, a dress with straps by one cousin, nothing too low
cut by Jaz and something she can wear a bra with by J.
 |
| Dessy |
Personally
I love loads of bridesmaid styles around at the moment. Dessy have these which
I loved until I saw them on the girls (they looked a bit cheap truth to tell):
 |
| Mark Lesley |
Similarly
I adored these Mark Lesley bridesmaid dresses but coming in at a cool £300+ per dress, you need
to have your budget pretty high. Still, look at that lace…
Lastly,
if you are really stuck for cash and need lots of decent dresses cheap go to Light in the Box. Loads of accessories in all the colours you could wish for and they
even do a bespoke service of a sorts.
Go
Made!
I
found this vintage pattern in the end which I fell in love with, especially the
cute lace jacket over the dress which Mrs McW is making using Indian lace we picked up in Shepherd's Bush.
As
I work in a building where craft is a normal part of everyday life, I was
advised by none other than May Martin herself of Sewing Bee fame to speak to
June Allnutt of Recycle and Sew. June is lovely and is also a talented pattern cutter, so can make
literally anything from scratch to her own design. First fittings are in May so
we’ll see what they look like.
Make
sure you have a reputable, reliable dress-maker however or your dresses WILL
look homemade. Holly
will be wearing an amazing dress which M made. And no, it doesn’t look homemade
either!
You
still haven’t told me anything helpful…
In
conclusion to all of this speculation as to what to put your bridesmaids in,
what they are there for, how many to have and what to give them to do, the
answer is that basically I don’t know. Everyone does it differently. Every
country does it differently. Should you have just your sister or ten of your
best friends?
Have
whatever you want. Do whatever you want. But keep the big picture in mind and
don’t put them in anything you wouldn’t wear or that makes them uncomfortable -
it’s not fair to the woman taking up her free time for you. Which is what she
is doing. Whatever you may think, it isn’t wholly an honour or a privilege for
her to be your bridesmaid. You should be honoured she said yes!
Plus
it’ll make the pictures look crap if they are all spending their time yanking
their dresses down, wobbling on high heels, trying to hide their legs and
pulling up straps.
I
guess they ARE there to buttress you emotionally through the wedding. They are
there to support you if you get kidnapped or Satan tries to carry you off (or
something); they are also there so that they are a key part of your big day. It
wouldn’t be the same without them. They are also there as a memory of what once
was. You’ll love looking over all those photos, even if your best friend spent
her whole time looking like a nervous rabbit.
Or
you could always do what Margaret Hale wanted to do and keep it simple with
just you and no bridesmaids;
“I
should like it to be a very fine summer morning; and I should like to walk to
church through the shade of trees; and not to have so many bridesmaids, and to
have no wedding-breakfast.”
But
when you think about it, it wouldn’t be half as fun as having all your closest
mates getting pissed with you in fancy dresses.
I
will leave you with the couple who set the record for the most bridesmaids.
126
of them.
Huffington
Post
*
Death and Abuse in Marriage Laments: The Curse of Chinese Brides. Author(s):
C. Fred BlakeSource: Asian Folklore Studies, Vol. 37, No. 1 (1978)
Apparently fake stag
horns are now popular to wear on a stag do. Why? As far as I can see, while the
Horned Man remained an integral part of British Folk Law as a symbol of
fertility, he has nothing to do with a man’s last night as an unmarried Buck –
oh wait, there we go. Horns in mythology in the British Isles also represent
Kingship and I suppose the man is ‘King of his Friends’ for the day.
You only have to look at the Stag Do activity names to see
how hyper-sexualised and derogatory towards women a lot of these holidays are
(not to mention the faintly nauseating pictures of women sucking guns/wearing
very little – no boys, it’s not empowering, it’s called ‘sexual
objectification’ – watch the Ted Talk here) with names like
‘Big Guns and Strippers’.
You can buy
t-shirts with the Stag or Hen’s name on them. You can buy Willy
Head boppers. Willy straws. In fact, anything in a willy shape. Tutus. Hire
the Butlers in the Buff to come and wait
at your table. Have some Pole Dancing Lessons. For J’s wedding, C and I
organised a Burlesque Lesson for all followed by a night out in Leeds. In
corsets and pants. Epic. You can go skiing, go to Antarctica, go skydiving, go
to Las Vegas or Skeg Vegas. You can do anything you want so long as you have
the money to do it and the friends who want to go with you.
But if you really want to go, you’ll find the money and the
time. Because basically a Hen Do (or a Stag Do) is an excuse to get together,
let off steam and have some fun. It’s mainly innocent. Yes, some taxis get hurt
and Blackpool gets a bit less family orientated every time a group gets dressed
up as their favourite super heroes or duct tape their mate naked to a street
lamp. I am vehemently against anyobjectification of images of men or women and
I feel sick that anyone thinks visiting strip clubs is ‘normal’ or a ‘right of
passage’ but heck, they sell boppers with penises on them. They are in the main, bloody good fun and well intentioned.
